Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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