It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
