It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize