All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
