Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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