I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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