remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Randomize
