Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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