I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Randomize