Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
