I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
