i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
