I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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