I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I fill condoms, not promises.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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