My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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