he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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