You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize