Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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