My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
