sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
