i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Too much gin, very little bucket
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize