Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
