whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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