Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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