I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Randomize
