My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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