JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
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