yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
