Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
