Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
