I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
