We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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