btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
