On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Randomize
