Sry I called you an 8
just come out here and I will go home with you...
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
