I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
