Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
