I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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