I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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