This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
