I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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