stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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