i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
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