On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
