were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
