During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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