The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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