There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize