dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
