That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
