sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
