we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
