He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm sobbing to NWA
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
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