Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
