hotel room ftw
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Randomize
