Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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