had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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